// happy anniversary//

One of the things that made me really sad this year was a conversation I had with a friend. We were both laughing about our really unfortunate lovelives (which is the only thing you can do when you’re unlucky at love) when I suddenly blurted out: “I have never celebrated an anniversary with a guy.” Yes, I have never been with anyone long enough to have an anniversary with them.

This fact made me really sad for a long time.

One thing I really can’t believe is that 2010 is almost over. I still remember 2009 very vividly, still remember what I felt and even though I try to avoid saying it, the truth is that around this time last year, I was in love. 

And I smile when I think about it now because everything is different. Everything is so different.

I wasn’t naively in love or blinded by crazy infatuation. It wasn’t a fluke or something intended to be momentary. To this day, I still believe that it was a genuine, sincere and deeply hopeful kind of love. A bigger-than-my-body, I-will-love-you-through-all-your-faults kind of love. It was enduring. I meant everything I said, everything I wrote. There is nothing about it that I’m embarrassed about or that I’d ever take back.

In December 2009, I was so happy. He was my best friend for 9 years and everything he told me — that I was the only one, that I was the future, that there was and could be no other— I believed. 

But, as you can see, things didn’t really work out. 

I have told the story to people that I trust, to people who love me, and I have heard them call him many horrible things but I don’t think any of it is true. I think he got confused and lost his way and, call me arrogant but, I don’t think he really fell out of love. He just lost hope. There were things that stood between us that looked bigger than anything the two of us could possibly overcome. So we let go. That’s when he started looking for easy. Because things with me were just too… complicated. 

We don’t talk anymore. I think it’s safe to say that we’re officially removed from each others’ lives. You know that press statement Scarlett Johannson and Ryan Reynolds released about their recent divorce?

“We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it.”

I think  it goes the same way for us. With the exception being that we are the slightly less hot and definitely more Asian versions of Ryan and ScarJo. Hahaha, okay. Anyway.

People always ask this question so I guess I’ll just go ahead and answer it here: yes, of course I still love him. But it’s not the kind of love that needs to be his girlfriend or his bestfriend. It’s not even a love that really needs to be there as an active presence in his life. I love him, as I told him, in the biggest way possible. Which means he is free to go and be happy and yes, fall in love. I love him enough to let go of any claim over him, to let him have his story and to let him find his place in the world without me. Most of all, I love him in such a way that I will never stop believing the best about him. Which is why, to me, he isn’t a ‘stupid idiot’, a ‘jerk’ or a ‘douchebag’ — he is still the amazing person I fell in love with. I think this honors our relationship, or whatever it is we had. 

I feel sad that we won’t be able to share the anniversary we wanted. I was rooting for us. No one wanted it to work out more than me. But I guess, in many way, we are celebrating. We’re in different parts of the world and maybe he’s forgotten 2009 but because I know him really well, I know that he hasn’t. Whenever he hears the words Bel Field, he will think of me and December and beautiful lights and it will be a memory that will always be ours.

We are celebrating what once was, what a beautiful friendship we had. We are celebrating 7-hour phone calls and dates around the metro and a million inside jokes and a single look that says everything. We are celebrating a glorious past but also, we are celebrating who we are today. And even though it doesn’t look like it, we are celebrating love.

Whoever you are and wherever in the world you live in, please go out and have a slice of cake for me. It is a beautiful time to remember.

And to you, you know who you are. You will never read this but: Happy Anniversary! Who’d have thought? I miss you. :) Stay happy.